A post from April Crull

In my limited experience as a church planter, I have found that although I can be constantly steeped in spiritual things, I can also find resources and breaths of fresh air to be few and far between. In the last few months, one thing I have found to be quite deep-breath giving and amen-instigating is reading a number of blogs from other women who are working in or have some connection to emerging church or spirituality. A few weeks ago I ran across this excerpt that reminded me of womenofca, so I thought I would share it with all of you. At the end is a list of a few other blogs that I have enjoyed reading.

From susie http://sam.typepad.com/sojournministries via Emerging Sideways http://emergingsideways.blogspot.com

i found the most beautiful blog today and for a moment i was jealous...this ugly part of me that read another's words and wished that i had written them...nuances and artistry with words that i can only stab at...i was so conflicted in this moment of utter delight and awe at another's gift, and my own ugly jealousy...it caused me to pause...to reflect for a bit on how hard it is to really champion another if i am insecure in who i am and what i have to offer.

we as women have such an opportunity to give life, or to deny it in the way we handle our jealousy. Now, I am less afraid to admit my jealousy, though it took many years of denial to get here... As i name the feeling that wells up inside me, i can stop scrambling to measure up and i can simply enjoy another's gifts or beauty that blesses and graces the world, in its utter essence and offering rather than run to comparison. when i am willing to name the jealousy of another woman's gift, i feel far more free to enjoy it, embrace it and celebrate it. I am not lost in a battle or competition, rather i am free to live in the midst of the enjoyment and the want for more.

i have come to believe that we as women have to power to uphold or tear down, with a simple glance of the eyes, a word well spoken, a hand offered in gracious and sincere support. we have been so conditioned to compete and compare, rather than compliment and share. but i believe that we can change the face of feminine interactions and offer what comes from the depths of our being, a life giving offering, if we take on the roles of bridesmaid, midwife and mother.

we all want to be a bride, but on the day of our friends wedding, we delight in being a bridesmaid...we are there to usher in the main attraction, to set her off to be noticed in all her beauty...it is all about the bride, and we delight in this role.. what if we were bridesmaids to each other on non-wedding days. if we really believed that there is plenty of love, attention, accolades to go around and that the Bridegroom delights in each of us...

i wanted to be a bridesmaid to the woman whose blog soared above mine, to the woman who just wrote the book i have been wanting to write, to the beautiful woman who lives next door, to the mother in my playgroup who is an example to me, to the teacher, speaker counselor who is more gifted than i am...can i sing the praises of another... will i be a bridesmaid?

Or as a midwife, i can help to usher in new life...help another give birth to what they have created, i can be part of the process without any glory... is that not the beauty of midwifery...being part of and assisting in, being a support, a cheerleader that allows another's creation to be the main event. will i be a midwife, when i feel barren, when my creativity fails me or is not fertilized with life and acceptance? can i help give birth to another's dream, vision, offerings, or do i shy away, because i am afraid or jealous like peninah of the love and accolades another woman receives?

as i read the work of other women and see their handprints on the kingdom, i want to be a midwife...a woman who comes alongside another woman and helps, supports and upholds the her creation, celebrates her gift of life giving artistry.

and i think this category would not be complete without the role of being a mother...it is in that role that we as women are life giving, nurturing and sustaining one who is totally other...one that will grow beyond us, another being whose very essence causes us to pause and glorify god in his miracles... will i be this nurturing presence to those who come after me, who will surely outshine me and offer life generatively...not denying my role, or part, or offering, but acknowledging another who walks alongside? will i make room for another, and give them space and nurturing to grow in a self sacrificing way? will i see the beauty and giftedness around me and celebrate it, engage with it and champion the one who brings it to life?

these are the thoughts that went though my mind as i found this blog today...would i hide my jealousy and pretend i didn't feel it, or would i name it and offer it to God as my own fear of being less? would i be willing to champion another and point those who read my words to another's words that may bless them more deeply... will i believe that there is enough love and enjoyment to go around, rather than live with a scarcity mentality?

often when i am trying to find a way to image the possibilities in women friendships, i picture a field of wild flowers and the beauty that comes in the diversity of texture, color and size. i would much prefer a wild flower bouquet over a dozen roses...all the same. Can we as women can view each other in this way...as a field of wildflowers with so much to offer in so many different ways, made all the more beautiful in our diverse gifts and offerings...all shining in the uniqueness that is ours? what would women relationships look like and how they would change the world in the giving and receiving of blessing to each other?

A few others that I have found seem to somehow deal with the struggles of life without the bitterness that can come (especially in the blogging world):

jen lemen http://www.jenlemen.com/

Dry Bones Dance http://drybonesdance.typepad.com/

And a few more I've only been reading a few days, but look promising:

notes from a truth-seeker http://www.thursdaypm.org/blog/rachelle/

(un)Veilings http://unveilings.typepad.com/

That Oswald!

I am not a risk-taker. I don't do roller coasters or donuts in parking lots. I don't like being in water over my head and I certainly don't surf! I know that for some people, the picture below would be inspiring. I know people that would be grabbing their boards and going for it. It makes me think of how nice it is to relax on the beach and watch the waves roll in and be slowly lulled to sleep by the rhythm of the surf.
Waves
A few days ago we were doing morning devotions with the kids. One of the books we are using is "Jesus Wants All of Me" which is basically "My Utmost For His Highest" by Oswald Chambers for kids. This is what the entry said: Surf's Up "Trouble will come. But I will not be afraid. The wind will blow. The waves will crash. I will not run away. I will grab my surfboard. I will run for the water. I will stand up and ride. Whee! Nothing can separate me from the love of God."

Yikes! This is NOT my reaction to waves, or to trouble. I am afraid, I do run away. I cower on the beach with my towel over my head. I ask God to take the trouble away and bring out the sun again. I do not own a surfboard and it's not on my list of things to buy. And even if I did, I would probably cling to it for dear life, flat on my belly. There would be no standing up and riding.

There are all kinds of waves in my life. Some are small and can break against me without me really noticing. But there are some that tower over my head and threaten to crush me as they break. What am I going to do with those waves when they come?

I think the Lord is challenging me. And you know what? He doesn't expect me to become an expert surfer with the first wave that hits. But he IS asking me to at least maybe go browse in a surf shop. I bet they have a board my size.